


How to name a human

by Bees_forever



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, The title working title was 'there's a baby and it's soft', This was my stressfic for the longest time, that's really all there is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:34:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26176537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bees_forever/pseuds/Bees_forever
Summary: “Uh… how about Luna? Or Leika? Or… Walentina maybe?” Luther says and thinks again. “Or Nichelle.”Diego looks at him. “So. Moon, first dog in space, first woman in space or the actress of Uhura in Star Trek?” he asks and leans back. “Yeah, no. Nothing space related.”“Amelia?” Luther says then.“Nothing flying related either. God dammit, Luther. Do you want her to get lost somewhere?”“No… I just. Think it sounds nice,” he tells him and looks at the baby. “She looks like an Amelia.”“She does not!” Diego tells him.
Comments: 27
Kudos: 105





	How to name a human

**Author's Note:**

> So I started writing this way before s2 to get distracted. This is just... fluff.

Diego wakes up and groans. Someone is being loud. No, multiple someones are being loud.    
He just wants to fall asleep again but then he identifies Luther’s voice as one of the someones and he also sounds somewhat hysterical which… okay, Diego needs to see what has Luther  _ shrieking  _ he might like whatever it is.    
  
He goes down the stairs and finally can make out some words. And crying. Did someone get hurt? Just to be safe Diego pulls out one of his knives he wears on him when sleeping. 

  
  
“You’re upsetting it, stop talking so loud!” Five is very clearly very annoyed.    
“It grabbed my hand!” Luther still sounds upset.    
“I don’t think that’s very dangerous. It won’t be able to break any bones,” Vanya sounds… almost amused? There’s definitely a hint of that rare smile of hers in her voice.    
“I would’ve been,” Luther argues.    
“Well, your experience isn’t universal,” Five says and now he sounds like he’s grinning too. What the hell is going on?    
“Maybe not,” Luther admits. “I just got shocked… I almost dropped you. Don’t do that!” His voice gets a weird tone to it. It reminds him of when they were  _ really  _ famous that short while before things went to actual hell when he and Klaus got send stupid little plush toys from (mostly female) fans and Luther got idolized by a bunch of little kids, it’s exactly the tone he used to do when he talked with them, fond and charmed but also with a pinch of hysteria.    
  
“They’re so little!” he told them one time after another group of six to ten year olds had been standing around him and he got all pale and shivery. “So little. And if I tell them the wrong thing I’ll ruin their lives forever and they’ll be bad people who beat their spouses and drink too much. And it’ll be my fault.”    
None of them back then felt like telling him that actually it wouldn’t be his fault if a random child, which was at most maybe seven years younger than him, didn’t turn out correctly. Maybe they all believed it was true. Teenagers were self-centered in the weirdest ways.    
  
It was probably the name. Diego thinks now. Spaceboy. The little ones love space stuff, right? The name and just maybe the fact that Luther in some way never really got over the age of seven mentally at least.

  
  
  


Diego enters the living room and stares at his siblings.    
Vanya, Five and Luther are all standing around and Luther is holding a child. A baby to be exact. One of those tiny ones who wiggle around and are still practically bald. The baby is holding onto his large finger, the tiny fist not even big enough to wrap all the way around it.    
All three of them are staring at the baby with some sort of terrified fascination. 

“What… what’s  _ that _ ?” Diego gets out after staring at them for a bit.    
They all look like they’ve been caught doing something illegal.    
“That’s a baby, Diego,” Five says a bit wearily and looks over at Vanya as if to check if he had made the right statement.

“Yeah, I can see that! But what’s a baby doing in Luther’s arms?”    
Luther holds the baby a little closer to his chest protectively. “Five gave it to me. Five  _ found  _ it.” 

“I did,” Five says and nods. “It was close to a bin in the park.”    
“Wha… Why were you even in the park?”    
“Why is that everyone’s first question?” Five asks and looks at him.    
“Because you usually just leave the house to like… spy on someone. Or murder them,” Diego says.    
“Or both,” Vanya adds though her tone is still a little amused. Is she enjoying this? 

“Well… this time I just wanted to read!” Five says and he looks at Vanya looking somewhat betrayed.    
“Isn’t the park sort of where babies belong though?” Diego asks. “I mean. It wasn’t in a stroller, was it?”    
“No it wasn’t in a stroller it was on the ground and it was three in the morning!”    
Luther frowns. “How were you going to read at three in the morning in the park?”    
Five stares him down until he focuses back on the baby. Okay. So Five was up to something weird. What else is new?    
  
The baby takes that moment to make a cooing noise letting go of Luther’s finger who grins for the first time in a while at least that Diego can remember.    
“Hey, thanks for giving me my finger back,” he says and the baby coos at him looking back with big baby eyes.    
“Daaaahhh…” the baby says and Luther nods seriously as if the baby has brought up a point in a discussion he hasn’t considered yet. 

“Alright,” Diego says and looks around. “Where’s Allison then? She knows about this whole baby thing way more than we do.”    
She had one of her own after all. Diego has a niece he regularly forgets about maybe because he never saw her in real life. Which doesn’t really matter, he hadn’t expected to be invited to birthdays or anything but sometimes he just wished he could’ve gotten Claire a… a  _ thing  _ and then Claire would’ve had that  _ thing _ with her in school or the park or wherever it is Allison sends her kid to and she would’ve pointed at it and said to her friend who Diego imagines as a bunch of well-dressed clean little girls with nondescript faces: “See that  _ thing _ ? My uncle Diego got me that  _ thing _ .” And they’d all be wowed by the amazing uncle she has. But he barely ever remembered her birthday and whenever he did he didn’t have the money to buy presents. So it’s probably better that he was never invited to any birthdays in the first place. 

“Out shopping with Klaus,” Vanya says and shrugs. “They invited me too but I… I didn’t feel big shopping centers with many people and lots of noise today.”    
Diego nods. Okay, understandable. So those two are out. And between the four of them… well none of them seem very ready to take care of a tiny human like that.    
“And Mom?”    
“Out for a walk,” Luther says and the baby in his arm giggles. “I think it likes when I talk,” he says with amazement in his voice.    
“Your chest vibrates when you do. It probably likes that,” Five says.    
  


“Okay,” Diego says. “So does anyone know anything about how to take care of a baby?”    
“Uh… don’t hold it upside down?” Luther suggests and beams when the baby giggles again.    
“Make it fall asleep and hope that it doesn’t wake up until it’s at least ten,” Five says too seriously.    
“We’ll need diapers and… some baby food?” Vanya is the only one somewhat useful here.    
“Okay… one of us should get that.... probably…” Diego says and looks between his siblings.    
“I look thirteen I’d get at the very least some raised brows,” Five says and shrugs. “Plus I want to look for some… missing babies across all data banks. Just in case.”    
“I don’t think a  young  _ mother  _ who doesn’t know anything about child care would be looked upon very kindly,” Vanya points out.    
“You're not its mother though,” Diego says.    
“They’ll assume I am. They’ll assume you're buying something for your child as well.”    
“Oh,” Diego hadn’t considered how he’d look to outsiders. He turns to Luther.    
His brother shrugs and looks down. “I’m holding the baby,” he mumbles sheepishly, which really is the worst excuse. It's not like it’s attached to him. But Diego really doesn’t feel like discussing it. He doesn’t think Luther even knows where to go to buy  _ stuff _ , any stuff at all.    
  
  
“I’ll go,” Diego says and rolls his eyes a little. He has a car anyway.    
“I’ll make you a list,” Vanya says and gets up leaving Luther to coo over the baby and Five to watch Luther coo over the baby. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Vanya isn’t surprised when she comes back and only Luther and the baby are left in the living room. Five probably got bored. Luther on the other hand is still staring at the tiny human in his huge arms and it’s sort of endearing, he hasn’t moved yet and is just looking down at the baby in his arms chatting away at it.    
  
“You know, I don’t really know what it’s like being a baby… I mean, I was one but it’s been a while since then and I don’t remember, I don’t remember  _ anything  _ about the eighties even though I _technically_ lived in them for three months, isn’t that weird? I think it’s sort of weird. I guess that’s what happens to all the people born at the end of decades. I still think it’s weird. But that’s what is so nice about me having siblings that are all born on the same day. They can all relate, I think. I don’t think any of them remembers the eighties. I mean… Five might if he ever went to then but that doesn’t count… you won’t remember this either, you know? Me telling you all of this. You’ll probably not remember me once you’re back home with your Mommy and your Daddy. But that’s fine because at least you’ll be safe. And that is important you know? Babies don’t really survive without family… I mean. They need that. So it’s  _ good  _ that Five will find them. Maybe we can talk to them about what happened. And then you’ll be back and alright… and we’ll be… here…”    
In between Luther’s monologue the baby coos and giggles and slaps it’s tiny hand around uncoordinated.    
  
Vanya clears her throat when she enters and Luther looks like he feels caught, he kinda is too seeing as Vanya just overheard his whole speech but he doesn’t need to know that.    
“So, Diego’s out to buy supplies…” she says and looks at Luther who hasn’t gotten tired of looking at the same face yet. “Where did Five go?”    
“He said something about databases again…” Luther mumbles, still staring at the child.    
“Luther… wanna… wanna sit down, maybe?” she asks because he hasn’t changed position since Five handed him the baby and she’s getting a little scared that he might think that you can’t move for as long as you hold one. Luther has only little and if very weird knowledge about the real world. It was only a few weeks ago that they found out he didn’t know how to call an ambulance. But he does know all about what’s supposed to be  _ inside  _ of one, he surprised all of them with that knowledge after insisting for almost three minutes that ambulances just sensed how to get to people in need of one.   
  
“Okay,” Luther says softly and walks towards the couch still mostly looking at the baby… which is dangerous but there’s nothing in the way. Vanya just watches them carefully hovering a little. 

Luther sits down on the couch readjusting the baby.    
“Isn’t that baby just so cute?” Luther asks and smiles. 

“It is,” Vanya agrees and sits down next to him.    
The baby has gone back to yanking Luther’s giant hand with it’s little hands. Luther beams.    
“I think it likes my hand,” he mumbles.    
“I think it just likes you?”    
Luther seems amazed by that idea. “I like you too little baby.”    
Vanya chuckles. Her brother can be really sweet if he wants to be.

  
“You know what’s weird?” Luther asks. “Last time I held a baby was on that mission when we were fourteen. It was a hostage… and it was struggling so hard and crying a lot. This one is much nicer. Or I just got better at holding them.”    
“This one also isn’t currently in a very loud hostage situation,” Vanya gives back and smiles a little.   
“Right…” Luther mumbles and looks at the child. “It’s so small…”    
“I know,” Vanya says and pats his shoulder. She kind of likes this version of Luther, she hopes he’ll get over having to say goodbye to the child when they find its parents or… well if they give it to social services. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
Five has been looking for anything mentioning missing children and is getting really, really frustrated. This doesn’t help. He hasn’t found any missing infant that fits the description of the child he had found in the park this morning. 

And now he’s also being distracted by loud annoying wailing. Great. He left the child with the kids and now they are overwhelmed. Not that Five knows that much about child care either but still. Of course they were inept to care for it. 

With an annoyed sigh he teleports himself downstairs where he finds Luther and Vanya both very distressed with the screaming infant still in Luther’s arms.

“What’s wrong?” Five asks over the wailing of the baby.    
“It’s  _ wet _ ,” Luther says and his voice borders on hysteria for the second time that day.    
Great.    
“Isn’t Diego supposed to get equipment for exactly that reason?” Five asks with annoyance in his voice.    
“He’s taking forever,” Vanya says while Luther rocks the child with a horrified look on his face.    
“I think my coat’s wet too! Baby and coat both wet,” he informs them.    
Five makes a face. Diego better be back soon.    
  


  
  
  


Diego’s back after ten more minutes of baby screaming and Luther’s helpless tries to get the baby to calm down by making weird rocking motions and saying “Sssshhhh” and “You’ll be dry soon”.    
  
“What took you so long?” Five asks snidely and Diego looks at him while opening the car doors. The car is filled with different pastel colored diaper packages.    
“Uh… I had to go to two shops, sorry,” he mumbles.    
“Why?” Vanya asks before Five or Luther can say anything and escalate the situation. 

“I… uh…” Diego says and suspiciously embarrassed looking. “So I was trying to get some diapers for the baby. Do you know how many diapers there are? There are a lot of diapers! So I asked this shop assistant what kinda diapers I should get for my kid. You know I lied it was my kid, and she asked how old my kid was and I struggled and then she asked when the kid was born and I just… I m-mean. I bolted. I’m not gonna be seen as a Dad who doesn’t remember his child’s birthday. So in the next shop I just bought all the diapers,” he concludes. “Also all the formula,” he adds then sheepishly.    
  
Vanya stifles the laugh and walks up to Diego’s car getting one of the small pale blue diaper packages out, the child on it looks about as big as the child currently screaming its lungs out in Luther’s arms.   
Now they only needed to figure out how to change a diaper.   
  


* * *

  
They do figure it out eventually. Five gets three towels from the bathroom and they put them down on the coffee table and change the baby on there. That’s how they discover the baby is a girl.    
  
She settles down after her diaper is changed and thankfully Diego has bought a few clothes with the load of diapers and formula so now she’s wearing a slightly too big Winnie Pooh onesie and is back in Luther’s arms who has gotten out of his coat and put on his other jacket.

The baby is falling asleep and Luther smiles as he slowly rocks her. It looks weird and a little bit adorable.    
  
  
  
“What are we going to do with it?” Five asks. He’s placed himself in the chair that’s the farthest away from Luther and the baby.    
“Her,” Vanya corrects him softly.    
“Right. Her. What are we going to do with her?” Five asks, rephrasing his question carefully.    
“I dunno. Give her to... Child protective services?” Diego proposes and looks at Luther and the baby like one of them was going to hurt the other. Knowing Diego it was hard to guess who he thought might be more dangerous.    
“And then what about all the baby stuff in your car?” Five asks squinting his eyes.   
“I dunno. It’s hers. She can keep it,” Diego tells him. “Her foster parents are gonna be grateful for all the stuff they don’t have to buy anything anymore.”    
  
“We should name her,” Vanya suddenly says. “I mean. She should have a name. No matter how we proceed. But it’s shitty if she doesn’t have a name even if it’s just for a bit.”    
  
Luther and Diego nod solemnly while Five just huffs and shrugs.    
  


“Any suggestions?” Five asks and looks into the round making it clear that  _ he  _ isn’t going to make any suggestions. 

“Uh… how about Luna? Or Leika? Or… Walentina maybe?” Luther says and thinks again. “Or Nichelle.”    
  
Diego looks at him. “So. Moon, first dog in space, first woman in space or the actress of Uhura in Star Trek?” he asks and leans back. “Yeah, no. Nothing space related.”    
  
“Amelia?” Luther says then.    
  
“Nothing flying related either. God dammit, Luther. Do you want her to get lost somewhere?”    
  
“No… I just. Think it sounds nice,” he tells him and looks at the baby. “She looks like an Amelia.”    
  
“She does not!” Diego tells him. 

“We could do Sally?”    
  


“That’s just the first  _ american  _ woman in space,” Diego says and glares at him.    
  


“Maybe I was thinking of another Sally?”    
  


“No you weren’t. Alright Luther lost naming rights,” Diego announces.    
  


“At least I put in some suggestions. Do you have any names?” Luther asks and oh, shit they’re both in their competitive mode. 

Diego thinks about that for a bit.    
“How about Helen?” 

“So. First american woman to win wrestling gold?” Luther asks, raising an eyebrow. 

“Maybe. Or I just like the name Helen!”    
  
“Maybe I just like the name Walentina! And we could even spell it with V instead of a W so nobody would know if it’s  _ that  _ Walentina!”    
  


“Still a fucking weird name though. Helen is normal.”    
  
“It’s russian. Vanya’s name is russian. Do you think her name is weird too?”    
  


Diego shuts up for a bit and then shrugs. “No…” he mutters. 

  
  


Vanya and Five silently watched, neither of them feeling like pointing out that they apparently know each other's hobbies well enough to immediately know where their name suggestions are coming from. 

“I think both of you lost naming rights,” Five says and looks at the baby intently. “A child should have a practical name. Something short and easy to remember, nothing too out there but no name that every second person has, so it’ll still be somewhat unique and… what?” he asks when he realizes that the others are staring at him. “I just. I mean I had a lot of time to put some thought into what someone should be named,” he adds then and Vanya notices his ears turning the softest shade of pink.    
  


“Daisy,” Vanya says suddenly. “That's short and easy to remember and nothing too out there and still somewhat unique, right? And I swear I wasn’t inspired by any hobby or passion I have,” she said and smiled at the others.    
  
“Daisy…” Luther muttered and looked at the baby. “Yeah I think she looks like a Daisy… hey, do you like Daisy?” The baby coos. Luther grins. “She likes Daisy,” he tells the others proudly.    
Diego rolls his eyes. “I guess it’s Daisy then.”    
“Yeah,” Luther says and smiles. “Hey, Daisy.” 

Five gets up and sighs. “Well, I guess I’ll continue to look for Daisy’s family then.”    
  
  
  


* * *

  
  


Klaus opens the door giddily laughing. It had been a good day for him and Allison. They’d been out, enjoyed a light brunch and had shopped some seriously amazing clothes.   
He feels warmth and happiness towards his sister, yes, this has indeed been a great day.    
  
They make their way into the hall, the house is weirdly quiet.    
“Helloooooh?!” Klaus asks.    
“Where is everyone?” Allison asks and Klaus shrugs.    
  
That’s when Vanya’s head sticks out from behind the living room door.    
“Shhhhh..” she makes and grins at them widely opening the door so they can get inside.    
  
On the couch they find what has Vanya smiling. There are Diego and Luther asleep, Diego against Luther’s massive shoulder. In Luther’s arm there’s a baby awake and happily playing with a button on his shirt.    
Five is standing in the middle of the room a cup of coffee in his hands looking at them shaking his head.    
  
“What… happened here?” Allison asks.    
“ ‘Daisy’ happened here,” Five says and shrugs. “We should contact the authorities.”    
“Let them sleep first,” Vanya tells him quietly.    
  
They let them sleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> I might have some ideas for a sequel but... let's see how stressed I'll be in the future.   
> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> ~ Jojo


End file.
